Woody’s Space

Another excerpt from my time on The Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors…

Tink and Moma settle in to watch a movie.
So blurry here, so clear in my mind.

Kimmie would be turning 43 one week from today. This morning, I would have been up early preparing breakfast and ensuring the coffee was done before she rose. I always gave her a “Birthday Week!” I tried to celebrate her life wherever possible I could. She, of course, thought this was stupid and unwarranted. Nonetheless, she reluctantly went along with my foolish antics. Every so often, I’d even get a smile and a snide little chuckle like, “Heh-heh Woody, you’re such an idiot!”

I’m not sure what to do this week. I’m dreading the coming of next Saturday. I know we’ll be alone, Tink and I, but what are we to do? I still want to celebrate her life. I still want to buy her the sponge cake with vanilla ice-cream she always wanted for dessert. She’d sometimes send me out at midnight as she had such a craving. I miss that so, so much! I really don’t like sponge cake very much and would simply smile and say “Hmmm… yummy” as I choked to get it down while watching her enjoy her prize as if it were baked by the finest chefs in the land… smiling and humming to herself as she scarfed it up… savoring every fork-full.

She hated getting older. I guess every woman does right? I always told her, “Just another year gettin’ prettier Kimmie!” That’s how I signed her cards… one per day and a BIG one on her Birthday… always accompanied by TInk’s little paw print in the lower right-hand corner. “Love you Moma!”

The reminder popped-up on my phone yesterday. There it was as plain as day “Kimmie’s Birthday Week!” I was in the middle of a conversation with a co-worker about another complicated issue we were faced with. I stopped talking. My face went blank. “Yo, Woody! You still with me? You okay?” came from him. “No.” was my simple response as I walked out the back door, squatted down on the pavement in the parking lot, smoked a cigarette and wept. The rest of the day is a blank to me.

Making matters worse, four days from her Birthday will be the six-month mark since her passing. I know I’ve been getting stronger. I know I am healing. I just fear that, that day will knock me off the wall of this ever so deep crater I’ve been trying to climb from since that day. I don’t want to be at the bottom of that pit ever again. I’m afraid.

I need you my friends! You’ve all been here for us so many times and, for that, I thank God every day. I will be drawing from you this week. I will be calling your names out loud next weekend! Tink and I are throwing out a rope. On one end, he and I… we’re holdin’ on! On the other end… all of you. Please keep us from falling back in that hole! It’s oh so dark down there. We don’t like it at all.

We miss you Kimmie… and will celebrate your week as we always have! I know how much you taught us to be strong and we are moving on as you asked but, just this week, we’re going to cry.

We Love You,
Woody & Tink