I’ve been told by someone I thought was my friend that everything I post and everything I write is nothing more that “self-absorbed BS.” I’ll let you figure the ‘BS’ part of that one out. I have been thinking about that for quite a while now. Is it? Am I really just into myself and have no feeling for anyone else? I honestly don’t think that’s the case at all.
This past week, my roommate moved out. She had told me she was doing so but, internally, I tried to ignore it as an idle threat with no real meaning behind it. Well, I was wrong. She’s gone. We didn’t have a “relationship” so to speak but I thought we had a friendship. Honestly, I depended on her far too much and I only realize that now. To her, I’m sorry I put such pressure on her.
Last night, I came home from work after once again over-indulging myself with drinks. I had had a pretty rough week at the office and was extremely exhausted from everything I had accomplished. I knew my roomie was gone and had no desire whatsoever to be here. After all, why? Who did I have to talk to and share my feelings with? No one.
When I arrived at home I began my “pity-party.” I walked around the house aimlessly. Living room, family room, patio and bedrooms. Still, despite my searching, nobody was there. I couldn’t help but think “God, this sucks! I don’t like this loneliness at all and really want a way out of it! If only I had someone to talk to.”
I grabbed a glass of water, another cigarette and moved on to the patio. As I sat in a lounge chair just looking at the clouds, I found myself in deep thought. What am I to do? How can I get out of this rut? I really have no ideas and find myself at a point where I’m not quite certain what I am to do. Nonetheless, I need to do something. There is no way I can continue this lifestyle and be happy.
I stubbed-out my smoke and went back in the house. Again, I walked around each room and looked for a sign. Anything would’ve done but, alas, nothing. I knew for certain, this was not to be a good night. I braced myself.
After becoming more exhausted and unable to stand, I decided it was time for me to try and sleep. Oddly, I grabbed two pillows off my bed and went back to the spare bedroom. It had been Kimmie’s room for nearly six years and, most recently, my roomie’s. It was here I was to try and enter dreamland and did so rather quickly.
I tossed and turned throughout the night and often woke not clearly knowing where I was. It was a restless night to say the least. Occasionally, I would stand up… walk to the little hallway and place my hands on the frame of the sliding pocket-door. I knew at least this way, I would know better of my surroundings and where I was in the house.
The dawn came and, like clockwork on any given weekend, I woke at about four-fifteen. It seemed my body knew it was coming near sunrise and I had things to do. I rose, washed my face and hands and brushed my teeth and moved to the garage. After opening the door, I spotted lightning in the sky. I looked at Betsy (my bike) and said “I’m sorry girl… it looks as though I need the Kimmie-Lee (my truck) this morning.” I truly believe I saw her headlight frown and the turn-signals droop downward. Being a softie at heart, I changed my mind and rode to the shore on my trustworthy little girl.
When we arrived, we saw the dark clouds on the horizon. They were streaked with lightening and seemed to loom over the ocean like a menacing threat to the day yet, somehow, brought me pace. I made my way to the beach and sat myself down in the sand.
After taking numerous photos of the Sunrise, I began to watch as the people started to fill the coastline. There were couples mostly… some with children and some just taking-in the morning together. I couldn’t help but think “How utterly romantic.” I was so jealous.
Honestly, it was difficult for me to watch. The loneliness overcame me again and my thoughts turned to all that I do these days. Surely, my actions would never be accepted by anyone looking to be in a Loving relationship or long-term engagement but its just who I am these days. I don’t like it any more than anyone else. You have to believe that of me.
I have a son. His life is difficult at the moment and he and his girlfriend have little time to think of me. My eldest daughter lives in Connecticut and is trying to establish a family and successful career. My youngest little girl is busy with college in North Florida and concentrating on graduation and further success. All of this is easy for me to understand.
I have friends… or at least I’m pretty sure I do. All of them have someone to spend time with and usually do so whenever they have the chance. Of course, the weekends are typically theirs. This too is easy to understand and I hold no grudges for them not being around for my selfish needs.
Can you see what I’m doing here? Do you understand? I’m simply trying to explain my actions and the reasons behind the stupid things I do that most people consider selfish and egotistical. I’m lonely… plain and simple… and looking towards the forthcoming years, I probably will be for quite some time. I simply cannot see any changes in my immediate future.
You see, nobody really understood the relationship I had with Kimmie. If they did, they’d see I simply had what they have. Someone to talk to… someone to share my days with… someone to laugh at everyone else with and joke about how too seriously everyone takes their lives. She and I could be on a deserted island in the South Pacific and still find something to share and get through each day. I just miss that so much!
I Love my friends. I Love my family… with all my heart and soul! I would give anything and everything to help another human-being… that’s just who I am! Is what God intended for me. I apologize to all those who think I am selfish with my actions but I need you to understand. I am just lonely and do whatever I can to not feel this way. Plain and simple.
Once you understand what it is to come home to an empty house every night… once you understand what it is to ride alone no matter where you go… once you understand all the emotions wrapped-up inside of you with no one to talk to… once you wander around an empty house looking for signs of what you once had… perhaps then, an only then, you may understand.
I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone with this article. I’m simply trying to make people understand my seemingly selfish actions from time-to –time. I’m lonely. That’s all, but I Love you all!