Tonight, I found a song on YouTube which I hadn’t heard in quite some time. I listened to it about 20 or 30 times. It spoke to me… touched my very soul and, in some fashion, gave me direction. If you would like to listen, browse on over to this link. Without posting every word from it, I’ll give you a couple of excerpts and explain my feelings.
“I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons, finally content with a past I regret!” Well, those that know me understand the dealing with my ghosts and facing my demons” part but you might not quite understand the “past I regret.” God only knows how many demons I battle every day of my life. Its only now that I realize all the things I’ve done wrong throughout my years. I never quite understood why those I was with couldn’t quite get past the person I am. Yes, I have always been a little bit of a party animal. I’ve always drank too much, stayed away from home a little longer than I should and neglected my daily responsibilities as a man… always attempting to make-up for that lack on the weekends. Well, now I understand. That just wasn’t the right thing to do.
Kimmie would always ask me, “why can’t you just come home and have your beer at the house?” I never had a good answer to that one other than “well, tell me I’m coming home to you and I’ll do just that!” Now, after losing the only woman I ever really truly Loved, I know that was the wrong answer. If I had done what she asked, she might still be here beside me. Just one more regret under my belt.
My kids. I Love all my children… with all my heart! I raised them as I thought I should. I paid for all that I could afford and gave them what I knew was needed for them to get through their teens and into young adulthood. Today, I realize that really wasn’t enough. Truth be told, I wasn’t ever really “there” for them. I focused on my job, my career and making more and more money so I could rise above society’s ranking of where I should be in the town I lived. This too, was an awful choice and with the little communication I now have with my children it only brings pain into my life every single day.
My family. I moved away years ago to start a new life and make something of myself like I thought my Father wanted of me. In doing so, I’ve completely neglected my family. The Woods clan has always been a close-knit group with strong ties to our Grandfather and Grandmother. Me? Not so much. I focused far too much on what I thought was expected of me. My Dad was smart and always had an answer to every problem that ever faced our family. My efforts were only to mirror his intelligence and wit and be exactly what he was to everyone that touched his life. The only thing was, I forgot my family values. I’m sorry Dad.
My friends. If you knew them, you’d understand my own disappointment. My friends would step in front of a moving train if they thought for an instant it was about to strike me. Lately, after Kimmie’s death, I’ve been so self-absorbed in my own pity, I’ve forgotten what that meant. Perhaps someday, they will understand and forgive my selfishness.
“I’ve Loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t, I had to lose everything to find out. Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road.” Well, yes. Every women I’ve ever been with, I’ve Loved to the extent my heart was able. There was never a moment, in any given day, where I wasn’t thinking about what was waiting there for me at home. My actions, however, never spoke as loudly as my heart. This too, I’ve learned as been a huge mistake. Perhaps someday, they’ll all learn to forgive me. For now, I will suffer through each day knowing the lack of attention I actually gave as opposed to what should really have been given. To all of you, I’m deeply sorry and hope someday you will accept my indiscretions and understand my stupidity.
“I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long… I’m moving on.” I don’t think this needs much clarification after reading just a little of what I’ve written above. I put myself here. I know that more than any man, woman or psychic reader could ever imagine. I am totally to blame for where I am today and what I’ve been through. If I had only had the foresight to see the idiotic things I’ve been doing throughout my life, I know things would be 100% different.
I know now that I must find a way to move on. I have to move past this sadness and depression that surrounds me otherwise I will become a victim of The Beast that took the woman I Loved. I completely realize my faults and have come to accept them. I’m neither happy nor proud of the man I’ve been but know I must change things and make some kind of effort to improve on my inadequate behavior and attitude. Perhaps you can help me with that?
Why have I written this? I’m really not all that sure. I guess I’m just hoping that someone, somewhere will read this and realize the things that are really important in this life. Money, fame, stature and ranking in society mean absolutely nothing when it means losing all that brings joy to your heart. Never take for granted what you have… those that truly Love you or the ones that will give their lives for you. Treasure them… hold them near and dear to your hearts every day of your life and never forget how rich you truly are!
This is just an abbreviated version of my feelings tonight. I’ve shortened my thoughts and condensed my feelings as to not bore the readers. If you’d like to hear more of where my heart now lies, simply ask me. As everyone knows, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m not afraid to offer it up to you.