Last night, after a rather productive week at work, I went to meet some friends to share in some harmless beer-fun. You know that kind of fun where you don’t drink too many but just enough to take the edge off. There were three of us, all on our motorcycles. It was strange, but rather comical, as we all seemed to pull into the parking lot at the exact same time… three little amigos with bandanas flowing in the breeze and engines roaring beneath us. We walked into the bar together and took our usual seats in the corner where we could observe and poke fun at the “amateurs” trying to prove their drinking abilities. After all, we were certainly the professionals!
We drank and talked for an our or so, smiling and laughing at each others stupid, nonsensical jokes. Without warning, I thought of Kimmie. I don’t know why as I was deeply enthralled with conversation but, nonetheless, there she was… filling my thoughts with her beautiful blond hair and stunningly gorgeous, deep blue eyes. The tears immediately filled my eyes. Both of my friends saw this and reached across the table and placed their hands on my shoulders. “She’s here isn’t she Woody?” At that point, all I could do was wipe away the tears, put a smile back on my face and look at them… “Yeah, she does this once in a while.” They understood as they said “Hey Caroline (bartender), one more round and the check please!” One of my friends, trying to hide it from me, raised a finger at Caroline, nodded his head and said something to her I did not hear. When she came to the table, she had four more bottles. Puzzled, I had to ask “Whats that Jimmie? You order a double?!” He simply replied “Nope, this one’s for her!” More tears.
I woke early this morning and, once again, I drove to the beach to watch the sun rise. Aside from the roar of the surf, it was quiet. No radios blasting nasty street-rap or people screaming at their kids for being too close to the pier… just a gentle breeze and splashing waves against the rocks. Peaceful as can be. Once again, I began to cry. No, not the billowing tears accompanied by gasping for air like just a few short months ago, just a small trickle of tears down my cheeks. Odder still, I was smiling! She was here too… I could feel her beside me which easily explained my expression.
I am getting stronger and I am healing! I feel that with every day that passes in knowing I’m doing precisely as she would have wanted. I am carrying on as the man she turned me into… stronger, braver and no longer afraid of my emotions. This, I will do for as long as God allows! This, was her gift to me and I’m not giving this one back! Hear me Kimmie! Read my words and understand the Love I still hold for you! What you have given me I shall forever cherish but, right now, its my party and I’ll cry if I want to!
Its okay to cry my friends. The tears are so cleansing and such a welcomed part in my day. I am not afraid of my tears nor do I hold them back when others are around me. These I need to wash away the ache that remains from her passing… and they do! I am no longer the limp and drooling blob I had become when she first left but, instead, so much more the man she wanted from me!
Cry as you must and let the tears work as Nature had intended from the beginning. Understand, this is simply this vessels way of clearing the windshield so I am able to see clearly ahead of me.