She was my rock, my pillar of strength and my courage to face the many challenges of our lives. She always found solutions to the most difficult set of circumstances. She was smart, efficient and never “sweat the small stuff.” How am I to live up to her sense of awareness and abilities to solve these challenges? I am certainly not her and had let her, willingly, handle anything and everything surrounding our lives. I haven’t even opened a check book in 6 years! I’m not even sure if we had one. What am I to do now?
I have read various posts about guilt. This is my first experience with suicide so I too am riddled with these feelings. What could I have done differently? What if I came home earlier? What if I never left the house? What if I hadn’t argued with her the night before? So many questions I try and force myself to realize I will NEVER have answered. Simply isn’t going to happen. I battle with them every day! Some days are more difficult than others. I try and fall asleep at night with these emotions and awake from what little rest I did get with the same. Often times the angst inside me overcomes me and I find it difficult to even breathe… my heart pounds, struggling to inhale. Missing her so badly and not certain I will be able to face each day without her. What could I have done?
I pose these questions to her every day. Sometimes in the morning as I drink my coffee and, more often, at night after I’ve drank the sunset away. She answers. Be it in my head or screaming at me in the living room, she answers. Here is how I am trying to settle this dilemma. Once again, I am certainly no expert on the subject so forgive me if I sound harsh, mean or in any way unfeeling. I am not that type of person and only using my memory of Kimmie to try and cope with this horrible event. If her words to me can be of comfort to anyone else, please let it be so.
Kimmie was strong, a realist. She never had dreams, only goals. She always said dreams were unrealistic and unobtainable. Goals, on the other hand, could be achieved. She would never own-up to it but she had a heart of pure gold. She was always doing things she thought I needed but nothing for herself. She was always the tough one. Bopping me on the head was one of the very few ways of showing her affection and praise. Sure, she had her “tantrums” and moments I care not to remember but don’t we all. Here was her answer to me:
“Yes Woody! You could have done something different. You could have done something 2 years ago or the day before I took my life. Would it have led to my survival? I don’t know and neither do you. You also could’ve gotten gas at the Mobile station instead of Chevron. Would the truck have run any better? We’ll never know. The questions you keep asking me I can never truly answer so please stop! We all could have done something differently but cannot change the past. No matter how hard you wish it, how hard you try and pretend… it’s just not going to happen! You have to go on. FOR ME! You have to face life… reality! I would have and so can you. Yes, I had been torn by bitter conflict for most of my life. I am gone now but so are those wretched feelings. I am happier now and, although I am sorry I brought you such sadness, I need you to carry on. Don’t let everything we worked for go to waste. Help our landscaping to thrive. Don’t let our pool become more inviting to the wildlife than the lake behind our house. Don’t let our cat forget his ‘Moma’ and the tuna treats I gave him each day. Take care of that truck! I saved for months to buy us that and you need to stay on top of it. Change the oil every 3,000 miles and, for my sake, do it yourself. Keep it clean too, inside and out. I taught you so much… don’t forget those lessons.”
“You remember the nights we drank too much? Remember the nights I cried to you about my childhood and what had happened to me back then? Do you remember hearing me wake up in the middle of the night screaming in terror and crying profusely? That pain is gone now! That pain is over for me and will never return to haunt my soul. I am at peace now. You are stronger than this! I know you Loved me and will always Love me. Perhaps that was the one good thing that kept me around as long as it did. I trusted you. Yes, you hurt me at times but I knew it was never intentional. I had a deeper hurt inside… no more.”
“Please Woody, if you really did Love me and treasure me as I know you did, DO THIS! Honor me. Honor my memory. Be proud of our accomplishments and keep up with them. I know you miss me and, in my way, I miss you too. Know this… I firmly believed in this energy we call life. When I passed, I tried to give you my energy. Please stop fighting me and let it live on within you. Be like me Woody… my strength, my knowledge. Our energies are combined now. This will make you stronger and help you get through but you need to feel me! Don’t give up on me now… never forget me but move to the future and stop dwelling on what could have been. I did Love you and still do! Kimmie.”
Harsh? Perhaps, but these are the words I hear from her. These are the words that drive me to do the things I knew she would have wanted me to do. I will never, in a lifetime of lifetimes, forget my Kimmie but I cannot… must not… will not let these questions overcome my very being and destroy my soul. This I know is what she would have wanted me to do.
God, please hear my prayers. Forever nurture her with your undying Love. Caress away her tears and suppress the demons that haunted her in this lifetime. I know you Love her and will let no harm befall her again. Know too that I Loved her and always will. Please let her know, if she cannot hear me, that I miss her and Love her and will forever more and will not let her memory die in my tears of sorrow.