Woody’s Space

Today marks the 2-year mark since Kimmie’s passing. It has been a rather discouraging day to say the least. You would think by now, most certainly, I would be past all the pain and heartache of my loss. After many remembered memories throughout the day and multiple conversations with various friends, it’s clear to me my pain is not yet over. In fact, it actually seems to have gotten a bit more difficult.

Today, I took the day off as I’ve made it a “national holiday” for me. I knew, as I recalled last year, I would be hammered by the dreams, images in my head and haunting sounds of her screaming at me for not understanding why she did what she did. After all, she always told me of her pain. I guess I just didn’t want to believe it… thought I could be the one to “save her” or take her sorrows from her. I mean, after all, if I was nothing more I was surely her best friend. I just don’t know why I couldn’t succeed.

My day began early in the morning hours as I dreamed of her. I felt her sitting between my legs as I sat on the floor leaning back against the couch. As I always did, I was brushing her hair with my fingers and gently caressing her head. She was closing her eyes, bowing her head, and letting me do what I loved to do as she knew this brought great peace to me. She never really said but I’m sure it didn’t bother her all that much either. This was just one of the ways I would try and express my sincere love for her. I would go through this ritual until I could no longer hold my arms up.

When I had finished, she turned on the floor to face me. “Why are you still so sad Woody? You know I’m happier now.” My response to her, in a sobbing mass of tears was, “Baby… I just still love you so damn much and miss you more and more every day! I try and stay strong, as you would have it, but let’s face it… my heart is not whole without you!” After this, she just smiled, brushed the side of my face with her tiny little hand and vanished from my vision.

A couple of friends called me today as I wasn’t at any of my usual haunts. For some reason, this seems as some sort of alert to them and, being good friends, they just call to check-in on me. It seemed no matter who I spoke with, they just didn’t get it. They heard me out and tried to understand but all wound-up saying, “C’mon Bro… it’s been two years! Time to get past this!” They just don’t get it I guess. Someday, somewhere, I will find someone that may understand. This day just can’t come soon enough!

To all that don’t understand: This woman was my WORLD! When all else would collapse around me, she was there. When the world ran at me with daggers and swords drawn, there she was beside me holding up her shield and blocking their advances. She was my little warrior and, as long as she was there, no harm could possibly reach me. She knew as well, she had nothing to fear… no man, woman or beast of this world could ever cause her pain as I would willingly sacrifice myself that she might go on. There you have it! Perfect balance… neither one of us would give up on the other so our story in eternity has already been written.

All the things I would never do around anyone else, I would do with her. Lee Brice has a song that bests describes what she and I had… “I Don’t Dance.” Yes, this might explain it to some. I don’t dance… but when I was with her, I danced all night and well into the morning. Nothing touched my heart more than being in her arms listening to the music we both loved. If it meant being close to her, I would dance naked in the town square with bells wrapped around me, so all could hear, and all could see that I was with the woman I had always dreamed about. The one, true love of my life!

There were times, late at night, after attending one of our local watering holes in town, we would drive to the beach. Both of us had had enough of the world and we just wanted to escape for a few more hours. After finding a parking spot, we would walk together, hand-in-hand, not saying a word. When we got there, we would sit together in the sand just looking out over the ocean and listening to the music of the waves brushing against the shore. We would literally sit for hours… sometimes not talking at all but, instead, just leaning against each other letting our hearts hold the conversation. We both knew.

We were Yin and Yang; black and white; fire and water; equal yet opposing forces in our own little universe. How else can I explain myself? Who here would possibly get that? This just doesn’t happen anymore! I feel as I’ve lost this forever until the day God calls me home and I may, once again, hold her next to me. I can assure you then, I will never again loose my grip from her hand.

Kimmie, I miss you! I love you! When you left me, you took a piece of my heart with you… a part of my very soul! I know you left a piece for me too as I will forever feel it beating with my own heart deep within me. I am trying Baby. I know you want me to and would scold me harshly if you saw my tears today. Let me be today my love, as I just want to grieve your absence in my life.

Until we hold each other once more, my love… remember me in heaven, as I indeed remember you on earth. I will continue on as you wished but will NEVER let go of the bond that holds us through eternity!

I Love You!
Woody